


If you change your mind

by BottomOfTheRiver



Category: Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby (2013)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety Disorder, First Person Narration, Fluff and Angst, Gay Nick Carraway, Internalized Homophobia, Jordan is the only person here with a working brain cell but that's basically canon, Lesbian Jordan Baker, M/M, Mental Illness, Past Daisy Buchanan/Jay Gatsby - Freeform, Past Jay Gatsby/Dan Cody - Freeform, Period Typical Bigotry, bi jay gatsby, internalized classism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:15:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24232663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BottomOfTheRiver/pseuds/BottomOfTheRiver
Summary: Jay Gatsby returns from the Angry Diamond Speakeasy in a state of emotional turmoil leading, to Nick's surprise, him to change his mind about wanting to see Daisy again.Au where Gatsby realises he's in love with Nick during because the homoeroticism is too much not to. Featuring Gatsby having an existential crisis and these two disaster queers being so useless they need Jordan to make the first move or else they'd be stuck yearning for each other forever. Based more on the movie because I can't be bothered to find the book to check for references.
Relationships: Jordan Baker & Nick Carraway, Nick Carraway/Jay Gatsby
Comments: 11
Kudos: 145





	1. Chapter 1

Gatsby was waiting for him when he got back, though he quickly turned away as the cab approached, staring at his house. 

“Your place looks like the World’s Fair... or Coney Island!” Gatsby spun around. He looked unnerved, like he wasn’t entirely sure where he was or what he was doing. 

“Ah, does it? I’ve... I’ve just been glancing into some rooms... Let’s go to Coney Island, old sport, we can take my car-”

“It’s too late tonight.”

“Or we can take a plunge in the swimming pool? I haven’t made use of it all summer...”

“I must go to bed...” 

Gatsby’s face fell. He seemed unsure of what to say, in a way quite unusual for him for I had found that Gatsby did not appear fond of silence. He talked and talked like he was afraid if he stopped the world would forget him, or worse find out who he really was. But then he looked so utterly pathetic, so desperately childlike that despite my misgivings I decided to put him out of his misery. 

“Happy to do it.” Gatsby looked up in confusion. “I’m going to call Daisy and invite her for tea.” But to my surprise Gatsby’s face just seemed to fall further. 

“Oh… I-” He paused for a moment, as if trying to find the right words. “I changed my mind.” 

“What? But you-" 

“I know. But I’ve changed my mind.” And then he turned back towards his illuminated castle, leaving me gaping on the doorstep of my own house. 

How strange, for a man so centred in his desires to change his mind at the last minute just like that. I thought perhaps it was nerves and no doubt that was part of it but there was something else and as I looked at the bright lights of his house and it occurred to me that something must have happened to change his mind. 

And then I remembered this afternoon, and meeting Tom. He must have known who he was, that’s why he disappeared so suddenly. Yes, that was it. Meeting Tom reminded him of what he was doing, breaking up a marriage and all that. 

By the time I had gotten into bed I had thoroughly convinced myself that that was the reason for Gatsby’s change of heart and it wasn’t until I met with Jordan the next day that I realised that that most certainly wasn’t it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jordan is living for the drama and Nick is Very Confused™

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written at 1am on my phone so apologies for the typos

Despite my conviction that it was a sudden sense of morality that had caused Gatsby to change his mind, the first thing I did after waking the next morning was call Jordan to arrange for tea. 

Although she had answered with reluctance by the time I had informed her of Gatsby’s change of heart she had become much more enthusiastic. I met at the Hotel Sayre just as I had yesterday afternoon when she had passed on Gatsby’s request. 

“What exactly did he say?”

“Just that he had changed his mind.”

“That’s it?” She looked at me incredulously. “Are you sure that’s it?”

“Of course I’m sure.” 

“Well it’s certainly very bizarre”

“I suspect it was meeting Tom. Made it real to him what he was doing, you know”

“Oh Nick,” Jordan sighed and looked at me as though I were a child. “Gatsby doesn’t care that she’s married. In his mind Daisy always should have married him, Tom was just an unfortunate mistake and besides what about Tom's affairs.”

I had not thought of that and as certain as I had been, holes started to form in my logic.

“If not that then what?” 

“That’s what I’m trying to work out.” She learnt back in her chair, lost in thought. “Nerves is too obvious,” she said eventually. “perhaps he met someone? But not to change his mind in an afternoon- oh” she stopped and looked at me and then laughed. “Of course it's so obvious.”

“What is?” I asked but Jordan merely laughed again. 

“I’m sure you can work it out.” 

“Why can’t you just tell me?”

“I’m sorry I have to go.”

“Jordan-” I started but she had already gone. I stared after her. For the second time in two days I had been left gaping like a fool.

When I returned home that afternoon I half expected Gatsby to be standing on my doorstep to tell me that he had changed his mind once more but I did not see Gatsby again for nearly a week. I attempted to call in on him several times only to be told every time that Mr Gatsby was busy. Each time I left a message asking to see him and although the butler insisted that he had passed them on, no reply ever came. 

I had hoped that at least I would be able to see Gatsby at his party the next Saturday however when Saturday came around Gatsby’s mansion stayed dark. Would-be partygoers mulled around the til daybreak but the gates remained shut. 

I called round once again on Sunday morning, once again being met by the butler but this time I insisted I would wait until Gatsby became available and upon being unable to persuade me otherwise he reluctantly left me in the entrance hall while he went to find Gatsby. 

It was a wide grand hall, breathtaking even now despite my frequent viewings. I tried to examine a nearby statue but the my heart was beating too loudly in my chest for me to be able to truly concentrate. Nonetheless I tried to appear engaged as I heard Gatsby’s familiar footsteps approach.

“i’m so sorry to have kept you waiting, old sport. I’m afraid I’ve been very busy”

“of course. I was just concerned. You seemed rather...” I trailed off trying to find the right word. Gatsby avoided my eye. 

“Yes well... like I said I’ve been very busy. I really must be getting back to work I’m sure you understand, old sport.”

He started ushering me towards the door almost in desperation his composed manner seeming to fall apart in front of my eyes. He did not look well. He had dark bags under his eyes as if he hadn’t been sleeping properly and his tie was ever so slightly off centre.   
“You don’t look well, Jay,” I said quietly, digging my heels against the floor. 

“I’ve been very busy. Like I said, very busy,” he repeated. It seemed to be the only thing he was capable of saying, his voice monotone and a little dazed. I was not going to get anything else out of him I realised and at last he pushed me out of the door. For the third time I was left speechless, staring after someone


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jordan gets bored of waiting for Nick to work out that Gatsby fancies him and takes matters into her own hands. Nick has his ooh i'm gay moment. 
> 
> I also use the word homosexual cause there seems to be a lot of different slang and I'm not entirely sure what Nick (as a white fairly well to do person) would have used. And lesbian felt weird in context and I'm really not comfortable with the term sodomite.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been busy with schoolwork (including writing an essay on the great Gatsby lol) and I've been umming and ahhing about how I want to proceed but i'm pretty certain where I wanna take it now so the next chapter should be up slightly sooner.
> 
> Also thank you for the lovely comments! I haven't had the spoons to reply but I really appreciate them!

I was not able to arrange a lunch date with Jordan until nearly a week after my encounter with Gatsby although I called her the very next day. She was at a competition out of state and seemed most reluctant to talk to me. 

“For goodness sake, Nick, just think about it for a second,” she had said before hanging up. I had thought about, of course. She was almost certainly right that Gatsby had feelings for someone else, though it alluded me who that could possibly be and Jordan still refused to tell me. 

Gatsby continued to ignore my calls and this time no amount of persistence would persuade the butler to let me in. I caught a glimpse of him every so often, his silhouette pacing a room or his shadow down at his dock. Once I saw him staring at me from staring at me form his window but he disappeared as soon as I waved at him. 

On Thursday I visited Daisy and Tom for dinner. Daisy made no enquiries after Gatsby and I did not bring him up. She was utterly oblivious to the plans that had once tried to ensnare her, the parties that had been going on in want of her. She had, I supposed, moved on with her life for better or for worse. 

For myself, I found I no longer felt entirely comfortable in their company and despite my best attempts I believe they realised this. Tom did not invite me out again and when I left, Daisy said goodbye with such sadness as if she was saying goodbye for good. 

It did not help the feeling of abandonment that had washed over me. I did not have a great many friends and for the last month or so my social circle had almost entirely consisted of those who no longer wished to speak to me. I was struck with the constant terrible feeling that I must have done something wrong to drive Gatsby away. The thought made my sing crawl and so it was with great anxiety that I awaited Jordan’s meeting. 

Despite my anxiety I found it difficult to force myself from my house to our meeting place. I was terrified of what she might tell me, terrified that she would be so annoyed at my inability to grasp what she evidently thought was so obvious she would no longer wish to associate with me. 

She barely looked at me, instead saying “Daisy is concerned about you,” in a matter of fact tone. 

“I don’t think she wants to see me again” 

“Don’t be ridiculous” Jordan gestured for me to sit down. I hadn’t realised I was still standing up. 

Finally she looked at me properly. “You do look awful,” she sighed. 

“Well perhaps if you could kindly divulge what on earth is going on-“ 

“-shhh” Jordan cut me off. I had not meant to raise my voice. The couple at the table next to us looked at us oddly before returning to their meal. “You really don’t know, do you?” she murmured. I opened my mouth to speak but she held up her hand. She seemed to be entangled in some sort of internal debate but eventually she must have come to a conclusion. She looked at me, stood up and left. 

I was starting to get very annoyed at repeatedly being suddenly abandoned and did not stay out of long. I had eaten lunch out of sheer pride and stubbornness but I did not have the heart to do anything more than get in a cab and go home. I was just considering whether or not to get the whisky out when there was a nock on my door. I opened it to find Jordan standing on my doorstep. I was about to berate her for leaving me earlier but she pushed past me, slammed the door shut. 

“It’s you.” 

“I’m sorry?” 

“It’s you that Gatsby is in love with, you fool. Or at least he has feelings for you.” 

“Impossible,” I shook my head. I knew, of course that some men felt for other men what most felt for women. I knew also that there were men who were attracted to both men and women but it had never occurred to me that… That… 

Jordan was studying me very carefully. There seemed to be a growing sense of panic in her eyes that I had never seen before and were most out of place on her usually so calm and collected features. It took me a moment to realise why, I had been so lost in my own thoughts. 

What she had told me would be devastating for Gatsby if even a rumour got out. She was considering, for perhaps for the first time, that she had miscalculated. That I was not what she was and as she considered, my perception of our entire relationship suddenly shifted and I realised that she was herself homosexual. And what’s more she had assumed I was too. The idea did not make me as uncomfortable as I thought it should. 

“I won’t tell anyone,” I told her with the utmost sincerity. I was not one to deal in gossip and I had no desire to see either her or Gatsby ruined. She recomposed herself. 

“Good.” 

“Well, do you mind leaving?” I asked. I had not intended to phrase it so bluntly but she merely nodded and left. I got out the whisky. 

I needed two glasses till I could fully comprehend what Jordan had told me. I had never truly considered it before. I began to imagine what it would be like to kiss a man, to hold his hand. I remembered the boys of my youth whom had enchanted me in much the same way Gatsby had… I remembered all the girls I had ‘loved’. I had always been inconsistent in my belief that that I had loved them, the relationships had often felt so shallow and hollow particularly in comparison to my relationship with men. Even to compare my feelings to Gatsby to my feelings to Jordan… The difference was striking in a way I could not quite describe. 

And so my imaginings turned from some faceless man to him and I was overcome with how much I wanted it. How much I wanted him. I had another glass of whiskey. It was illegal, but then so was the glass of whiskey I was drinking. As long as we were careful… I lost myself in the possibilities. 

When I dreamt that night, I dreamed of him and of us and when I woke up, I could almost feel his hand in mine. I walked next door as soon as was decent. The butler was not happy to see me. 

“Mr Carraway-” he began but I pushed past him. I strode through the house, calling out for Gatsby as I went. I found him in the kitchen. He looked at me uneasily. There was a slice of toast in his hand, halfway between the plate and his mouth though I could hardly have caught him off guard with all the noise I had been making. I suppressed the sudden urge to kiss him. It would not have been appropriate, with all the servants around us and certainly with the way they could gossip. 

All the same I tried desperately to communicate without words that I knew. That I understood. That I accepted and wished for it in return. Gatsby put the slice of toast back on the plate. 

“Leave us,” he told the servants. “Have the day off. Tell everyone to have the day off.” The servants left quickly and when we were alone Gatsby attempted a weak smile. 

“Why don’t we go into the sitting room, old sport”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The difference was striking in a way I could not quite describe because I'm being written by an aromantic person who has no idea what the fuck romantic attraction feels like.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gatsby tells Nick the truth about himself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There was going to be another chapter but this came to a pretty natural conclusion so I'm leaving it at that.
> 
> This chapter does references Gatsby having a sexual relationship with Dan Cody. It starts when Gatsby is of age and is technically consensual but the age difference and power dynamics do make it a bit iffy.

"I expected you to come" Gatsby said the moment I sat down. I was slightly taken aback. 

"Jordan came over and told me... You have to understand, old sport, I have been in love with daisy for five years, everything I have done, all of this- he gestured wildly around him- was for her. To realise that perhaps I know longer desired her, that I desired someone else. It was overwhelming you understand. I needed time."

I nodded. "Of course." My voice sounded hoarse and breathless. He was still standing, anxiously pacing the room as he spoke

"There are other things to consider, as well. I have decided I would like to start over. To give this a proper go as it were. And to do that it has occurred to me that I ought to be honest with you, Nick" 

He so rarely used my name, it made me shudder. I nodded again, for I was half afraid that if I interrupted him he would not be able to start again. 

"I was born James Gatz to a poor family in North Dakota. My parents were farmers; unsuccessful people. Nobodies."

He spoke as if the words left a bad taste in his mouth and deliberately, I thought, turned away. 

"I attended St. Olaf's Lutheran College in south Minnesota. A small, dreary place where I was expected to do janitorial work to pay my way through. I left after two weeks and found myself at Lake Superior."

"I made a living as a clam digger and a salmon fisher etcetera. Dull physical work. I knew women of course. They liked me and I quickly realised I could use that to my advantage though I personally disliked them. I found the young too inexperienced and the old too enamored with the things they had lost.'

Gatsby's paused. The irony of the last phrase was not lost on me though I had enough sense not to mention it. I did not wish to give him any reason to stop talking.

"It was there I met Dan Cody. He was perhaps 50 by that time, and his mind had started to be softened by drink and age. He dropped anchor at little girl bay where I was walking so I hopped into a row boat and informed him that he was like to be broken in two in half an hour. He asked me a few things - which is when I told him my name - and then offered me employment."

"It was quite a vague term capacity in which I was employed andI think I knew part of the reason he kept me around was that he was attracted to me though he never made any comments or advances or anything if the sort. He was always the utmost gentleman. Even while drunk when he was less than a gentleman. I suspect he had learned to control his tongue."

"He had something of a reputation, particularly while drunk and more and more he entrusted me as almost a jailor for his drunken states. He had numerous mistress and a fair few young men though he kept them much much more discreet and very large gambling problem. By the end of his life, some five years after I met him during which we went round the continent three times, he had twenty five thousand dollars left of his millions."

"It was me who approached him first. I was 19 and we had known each other for over two years. I'm not entirely sure why. Perhaps I was curious or perhaps I felt like I owed him something or perhaps I was just a lonely young man. We were lovers until he died. He retained his mistresses, however, one of which, Ella Kaye, was to be his undoing. And mine, for he left it all to me in his will but she used some sort of legal loophole to take it all and leaving me only with the gentleman's education he had provided me."

It all seemed to make sense to me now. Jay Gatsby had been born to the imagination of a seventeenth year old boy, and Gatsby had not wavered from it since it's conception. 

I motioned for him to continue. 

"Yes well I imagine Jordan told you all about how I met Daisy. And I told you about the war, that bit was true more or less. After the war I met Meyer and he helped me get on my feet" 

He evidently did not want to discuss either Daisy or the specifics of how he made his money and I did not press him on the matter. I supposed the former too painful and the latter something to do with plausible deniability.

Instead I merely embraced him and felt him relax into me. I realised how terrified he must have been that I would reject him and I drew him closer. 

When he pulled back to grasp my hand there were tears in his eyes.

"May I kiss you?" 

It felt like such a silly thing to ask but he nodded and I grasped his face in my hand as I pressed my lips to his. 

They were different to a women's lips or perhaps they were just his and I was breathless when we came apart although it had only lasted a few seconds. 

Gatsby was smiling. A broad beaming smile that made the corners of his eyes crinkle. How many times had I gone giddy over that smile? I kissed him again. I had remarked once that he was a man with an extraordinary gift for hope and I was glad to see that that hope seemed to apply to me too.

"Would you like to go to lunch, old sport? I know a place."

I nodded and did not need him to tell me what kind of place he meant. 

"I would like that very much."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to write a what made me realise I love you speech but then I remembered I'm aromantic and I'm not going down that wormhole again.


End file.
